I don’t know about you, but usually, I can only cope with one failure a day, not two. In the last few hours, I’ve been looking for excuses to make myself feel better.
It started at work when I realised that I’m not made for accounting, but at least I could figure out my errors. However, the errors were four to six months old, which meant that the system had already filed the numbers. So I can’t fix them on my own. But do I really want to do a course and invest my valuable time in it only to find out that I want to change my job within a year? Accounting is not my background, no, but it doesn’t have to be; I only needed a good eye for detail and focus, and the errors wouldn’t have occurred.
A little too late.
This evening I took a climbing class to improve my technique. It was my first climb in over two weeks, and I sucked at planning my routes. I was unable to crush the brick wall in my mind. Every move felt wrong; every position was uncomfortable. Two hours later, I was in pieces.
I haven’t even been back for a week, and all I’ve been doing is throw myself back into my old routine, thinking that it will be fine. I had no rest at home, neither mentally nor physically. I’ve wanted to cry for weeks, but I can’t. And then my horoscope pointed out high-stress levels and lack of sleep for today. The stars know. I’m just not paying attention. I last meditated two months ago, I think. I have no space in my head for anything – everything wants attention, and all I want is to switch off or focus on my alter ego instead and stories that I can put on paper. How else am I supposed to remove inexplicable emotions or interpret unsettling dreams about being trapped in the mall? The lifts aren’t working so I have to climb up the walls. The doors won’t open – so, do I look for keys or use a hammer? I don’t know how I’m supposed to keep my hopes up like this.
I feel like I’m close to something, but at the same time, I feel far away. It must be two different things that I feel. Wouldn’t you focus on what’s close and make the best out of it, make it come true in a case like this? Not let anything come in between. Not let anything come in between.
Make meaning – as best as you can, for as long as you can. Otherwise…
Focus. Full stop.
But there is sadness in his voice. It doesn’t sound like it’s going away.