It’s not quite spring yet, but the warm sunshine tells you otherwise. We are back in Calgary–the city that is 1,084 metres above sea level. The air pressure here never bothered me until recently. Either the weather here has changed, or my body did.
I just realised that this is my first blog post of the year. I’m surprised I still know how to write, especially with an absent mind. It’s tough when you don’t feel as present as you should be. It’s almost as if your soul no longer wants to occupy this stressed-out body; it wants to break free. Three to five years ago, I wouldn’t have survived this. However, I’m doing my best. I got out of my comfort zone, risked my mental and physical stability. However, I learned new things, discovered other sides of me – weak and strong sides. You’d think you have learned from your mistakes, but each time, it’s a different scenario, and you fall for it again and gain.
The next step is to learn to balance my mental and physical health and trust my guts more than ever.
The lack of solitary activities and creativity flared up my sense of self. Who am I? What am I here for? What is it that I used to do to make life more bearable?
Talking and/or speaking clear sentences is definitely a challenge when your mind is blurry. Sometimes I sound dyslexic, but let’s say it’s the lack of social life and focus and relaxation. Since my last job, I have no desire to be around people. It had been a lonely job where I had no social life. I loved and hated it at the same time. I hated it because communicating with them was hell.
I don’t remember the last time I read a book to relax and learn. I know my responsibilities, but sometimes I don’t know myself anymore.
I think Mercury Retrograde is over. Whatever. You aren’t even supposed to travel during Rx, but I drove a long distance for the first time in my life. I drove 1,000 KM in my CR-V in two days. I didn’t tell my mum until I arrived because she would’ve worried. (As if she isn’t worrying too much already.) Highway driving is no problem, but city driving is the scariest thing imaginable. Yes, 1,000 KM is a lot of driving, but my car is still in one piece, and so am I. I swerved a hell of a lot, and overtaking big trucks is a pretty tense situation. I don’t know if I’ll ever be in sync with any car, but I think I did well. The fact that I swerve dangerously is a mere sign that I need some order in my life. My mind needs to learn to balance on a rope. This is what life feels like to me right now.
Though we moved into a nice house – everything is good except for my mind. I want to break into tears, but I’m too numb.
Instead of working on my social skills right away, I’d rather spend more time reading and writing. Perhaps that will help me speak clear sentences again and improve my communication skills. After inviting friends over for dinner, I almost felt like hiding my head in the sand because I’m so socially awkward. I can’t think of anything to say. There is no routine in my life right now, but this will hopefully change soon.
Everybody would say I’m too hard on myself. What do they know? Why do they get pissed off if they don’t know what it’s like to be in my shoes?
This year, I’d like to hate myself a little less. To achieve this, I need to stand up for myself more and stop pleasing others if I know it will make me feel miserable. Say No more often is a start.
My therapist said I had to be firm and assertive; otherwise, I would suffer. Noted.
I’ve always hated having two goddamn water signs in my zodiac. These two signs suffocate me. And the only earth sign that I have is useless. Well, there is nothing that I can do except–live with it and accept people accusing me of being passive. I’m just too exhausted to answer. Too exhausted to take action.
The last time I was dwelling in apathy, I was fifteen. And John Lydon’s autobiography came to my rescue, and nothing was ever the same again. I suddenly had courage. Even though you are constantly learning in life, I never seem to have the opportunity to make use of what I’ve learned. I just get number and number; if not, dumber.
I learn new things. I keep on falling on my face and learn something new again and again. Do I still want to learn more?
What do you mean I haven’t learned from my mistakes?