Pervasive

You would think that this is the perfect time to apply for a remote worker job – a remote writer. In fact, I have almost forgotten (if not given up on) about writing. Things are not easy right now, even though they should be. I’m not working. I’m mapping out my business, which requires professional, argumentative writing.

Having witnessed my former boss work on his executive summary and pitch deck over and over, I can’t help but feel discouraged. It got to a point where he’d hired a high number of professional contractors to edit and redraft his writing for him. But even then, he was not satisfied. Despite that, he wasn’t able to do it himself.

My plan for my business is to do at least 60% alone.

Starting your own business is a terrifying, daunting idea, yes. And yet, I took on the challenge, already on the verge of giving up because I’m tired, exhausted, claustrophobic, depressed, lethargic, and the list goes on. And now this virus!

My biggest fear is having to present an excellent product, which I don’t believe exists yet. It’s not like writing a novel because I had this great idea. That idea took me ten years to put on paper, and no, it was not a marketing success. It was a significant internal journal that helped maintain my soul, but it didn’t pay the bills. Starting your own business requires more than creativity, headspace and a computer. In essence, it requires investments and a product that solves an existing problem.

It’s somewhat ironic wanting to step into the cannabis edibles business if you hate being in the kitchen and if you can’t bake because you hate following recipes and instructions.

It is a booming industry, yes, but stepping into an industry in which you have no talent doesn’t make sense. Funnily enough, I only just realised it. And wow, all those provincial regulations are tough as hell.

What do you want? –a financial advisor would ask. The answer is not to work for anyone ever again. Therefore, the only way is to work for yourself. A friend of mine has been self-employed for years because he doesn’t want to work for other companies. It is now that he tells me that he no longer wants to do that because all he’s done in the last three to five years is working his arse off, leaving him no time for anyone or anything. You are continually hustling without realizing how fast time is passing, and you’re no longer in tune with yourself or your life.

I’m asking myself, is this what I want? I want to excel, be successful and make a profit, knowing that I can take care of myself and the ones I love. Right now, I’m incapable of anything. I try to manage my responsibilities every day. I manage my panic attacks, doubts. Then I ask myself, Can I do this? And the answer is a forced Yes, I can. People with OCD need a routine – the healthier, the better. I can’t say mine is healthy right now.

Do you ever feel claustrophobic and alone in your head? I’m not going to explain it, but some of you might understand.

In the end, I’m responsible for all my decisions. And I’ve made a lot of wrong ones. I tend to repeat the same mistakes a lot, thinking that they might not be mistakes because the results will always lead to different experiences under different circumstances. I’m optimistic when making those decisions. (Obviously, I’ve been accused of being too pessimistic.) But it’s now time to be more realistic and think about myself for a minute or two. Even though the current claustrophobia (unrelated to the pandemic) is grabbing me tightly by the neck, I’m responsible for my decisions. But those were also mutual decisions. I wasn’t alone; however, I was made the boss – the decision-maker for everything, and yet, I don’t ever feel like one. One that actually made the decisions, but I did.

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