I smoke. Secretly. I still encounter people who say smoking is harmful. They tell me of all people. A pack of cigarettes lasts me a month. How many things do I have to do secretly without being judged? How long will I have to hide the real me from people? Maybe I’m everybody’s clown. No, a pantomime. They laugh at what I pretend I do. It makes more sense.
My driving instructor says that I have to be more confident and show the real me. But what if that is the real me? Ever since I got stuck in Germany again, I’ve started hiding from people. I get scared of meeting new people, especially when I don’t know what they want and why they want to befriend me. I need a drastic change–a change that I can envision. The fact that I smoke and have smoked dope is not a sign of change. I’m looking for an inner and outer transformation. I’m looking to burn the pictures of the past, chase the waves on the beach and dance when someone special is watching. These things would help satisfy my inner self.
I’ve got this feeling that I will keep letting people fool me, not just for the hell of it, but for fun. And perhaps a little moment of comfort and warmth will surround me. Or maybe I need help. What if I hurt people? I’ve never done anyone harm, yet I wonder what if I did. I want to be put in the middle of a roundabout and choose a direction myself. One problem that I would encounter is indecisiveness, but that’s the adventurous part of it. A little adventure might be what I need.
What would I do if I were in Mr. Ellis’s place? A life filled with cocaine, lies and regrets. I admit it’s pure curiosity and that if given a chance, I would swap places with him and experiment with bisexuality, except that I don’t like female parts.
Either way, you don’t get paid for being good or bad, so why does it matter? It has taken me ages to see that. Lessons are hard to learn when you feel adventurous and empty–indifferent. Everything’s more difficult when you’re in the midst of life. Your learning capacity decreases, and you become more cautious. You have probably experienced way too many things and fallen on your face too often, but this yearning for adventure and excitement will always be there. I’d do anything to fill this emptiness, even if it’s just for a minute.
