December 31, 2012

My guru of life has said it once again, and I’m sure I will need to hear it over and over, so I won’t forget.

There are now less than 24 hours left for me to appreciate the good times and bid farewell to foolishness and blindness by merely accepting the fact that I have committed them.

The whole year is flashing before my eyes at 02:30 in the morning, and the only thing I have noticed is how little time I was given for implementation of personal matters and how little I have seized certain moments that could have bloomed.

I shall stop looking down on myself and eliminate everything that will continue humbling me. The strength I’ve always had, the courage I’ve always shown and the determination I’ve always proved. Therefore I don’t know how my entire self has entered that stream of numbness. I’ve probably overdone it with my grain of indifference, or I’ve applied it to the wrong matter. There was no space for confusion, and yet, my mind was clouded, and I was stiff.

I’m not sure if “clouded” is the correct word; it was more severe – I’ve been feeling more ostracised from myself as if I didn’t let my good conscience shine through. Quiet conscience doesn’t sleep in thunder after all. I’ve been ignoring it too much.

Then along came the unclear to flare up my perception of things.

So intensely that I don’t know how much I still care.

I don’t say no to drugs that I haven’t tried, and still, they leave me as empty as now. I think all I need is…

But I won’t get it, and I won’t pursue it.

So the moment I wake up in the morning, I will run to set my body and mind in motion, meditate and tidy my thoughts. I will put them before my heart and prioritise myself. The end result will determine everything. Some kind of an epiphany would be nice, one that will reconfirm my strengths and determination. I wouldn’t mind that.

The moment a writer neglects himself, he will know that he has kissed death, the ultimate full stop, which will let your mask of sanity slip, and you’ll no longer know where you’re at.

Therefore, I shall kiss passion and continue fucking my alter ego in the arse. I have nothing further planned for 2013.

Maybe a change of scenery.

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